"I write everything down except what's on my mind"

Today I took a little bit of extra time to enjoy what's around me
I left my house an hour early for work to bike a little slower, longer
I literally stopped and smelt the cherry blossoms
beautiful

I know we chew on busyness a lot
but I feel like if we remind ourselves to slow down a little every now and again
we will really reap the benefits.

I don't believe in yoga or thinking or whatever
but I believe that if you take the time to enjoy what you enjoy
life will flow a little more smoothly.

Smile at a stranger...
Help someone...
Breathe more deeply...
Turn off your cellphone for an hour...

It's worth it.
You're worth it.

They say I'm supposed to let my anger process
that I should break things.
that life shouldn't be this mellow.
apparently if I bottle I'll blow
or maybe I'm blowing somehow already
is it killing my creativity?
is it long over and I'm dwelling
cause that's how I feel
I feel like I should be over it and I'm not
so there's something wrong with me
they say I shouldn't be over it yet
I'm finding it really really difficult to listen to what they say.
What is the best way to carry this
it's not a question of putting it down
or handing it over
tried that a hundred times
its like a ball and chain...
its the closest thing to freedom
and the furthest.

I'm supposed to change my perspective
cause things will never look the same
I'm supposed to learn to live differently
It's like learning to walk with a cain
it will never be the same
I just can't accept that... I can't.
but I'm told I have to
I'm told these things make us stronger
but I've never felt so weak
so alone
I've gotten so used to being alone
is that okay?

late nights with too much help
followed by inappropriate actions
early in the morning
you gave me so short a warning
somehow the shoes I used to wear
are way to big to fill
must be this empty apartment
must be your voice in my head
must be
the pacific is calling me
screaming for me
ever since I ate the lotus
ever since I met you
so how do I take an apology
a sincere sorry
I imagined breaking your nose
instead I smiled weakly and nodded
I still wish you were dead
must be this voice inside my head
must be the girl I used to be
must be
the pacific is dancing for me
screaming out my name
ever since I ate the lotus
ever since I lost superior
ever since I ate the lotus
ever since I lost home

we're the psych ward's best example of a role reversal
you should be the strong one
you don't even think you are
you said you had no other place to go
there were options
and now I'm the asshole because I'm the one with a backbone
I refuse to be told about your journey
or whatever it is you're calling it today
as far as I'm concerned a twenty year journey
was over after the second year...
you just like being pitied...
so you pretend to make progress on something you've finished long ago
and in doing so started something new
something harder to detect and even harder to get rid of
how are we supposed to live like this
you say you love me but your actions tell me that I very well may never see you again
and the worst part is how much that hurts me
I haven't cried for you in months because I've run out of tears
and all that's left is anger
at you, for you, with you...
how many times can I beg you to get your life together before you do it?
I don't want to see you hurting but I cannot stop it
and I don't know if it is worse to let you go
or keep holding on...
if you won't help yourself, please help me.

I often wonder what it would look like to see my life from another person's perspective
Would my stupid decisions seem just as justified at the time they were made?
Would I act differently if I saw the way I affected people?
Does a smile or a hello really make a difference?
This year has given me a lot to think about... a lot to chew on... a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be upset about.
I miss Thunder Bay. I miss my friends. I knew how much you meant to me before... but living without people who can practically read my thoughts was a lot harder on me than I expected.
I moved here thinking I was unbreakable... thinking I was stronger than the world around me...
Thinking I actually had perspective... I was (and probably still am) the definition of young and naive.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy here and have a great life, just... leaving really showed me what I had before I left.
And I guess somehow I feel like broadcasting it on a blog that I don't think anyone reads or uses anymore gets it off my chest or something.
I've almost been here for two years now and well... I'm finally feeling like this city is home. It took two years to make a small group of good friends. And for those of you who know me know that I'm not the type to stray away from social situations... I'm actually a social butterfly... but I guess... well I guess I just had a hard time connecting... and a chip that needed to be knocked off my shoulder.
I'm thankful that I know that regardless of how long I've been gone... and regardless of the stupid phases I've gone through in the past little bit, that I'll always have the people that I've been close with over the years back home. You're honestly the best in the world. Love you.

my head is going to explode.
how did I ever live like this.
it hasn't even been a whole day and I'm ready to walk out the door
this is supposed to be a celebration right?
this is supposed to be an honor...
this is not what she would have wanted.
and here I am wasting precious time to watch you bicker and refuse to sleep
why did you bring me here then
just because our faces look alike doesn't mean we think the same
I need you to stop calling me until you pull yourself together
sorry I can't help this time
I just can't.